Baby Purgatory

We’re 10 months into trying to conceive and still very much in it. This episode is about that in-between phase where nothing is technically wrong, but nothing is happening either.

We talk through what this has looked like for us so far, how it’s felt day to day, and Brian shares what it’s like going through this in his 50s and thinking about having young kids again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

We're in baby purgatory right now.

SPEAKER_00 0:01

This is something that I really want to happen and it's not happening. We have everything except the baby.

SPEAKER_02 0:08

We're all ready except for the baby.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

The real wasn't very good.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

The real wasn't very good? But the real story was great.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

The real story was great. It was a very long story, so it was hard to get it in just snippets. Yeah. The sound bites that people like to get away.

SPEAKER_02 0:41

We tried to do a teaser so people would go listen to the episode, but everyone our attention spans is getting shorter and shorter and shorter. Now it's going to be down to like one word soon.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Yeah. Like why do you want to share that?

SPEAKER_02 0:53

I just like I I want people to know that we're not happy with mediocrity. Yeah. Brian, especially. Brian, especially. He goes by the name Melarkey. That's the malarkey.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

I did listen to our podcast yesterday, and I thought it was cute. I thought it was entertaining. I did I do say uh a lot as I'm thinking, so I'm gonna try not to say that so much, and I talk really loud at sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 1:16

Yeah, I've been wondering about that a lot while I'm gonna do that. You do too. Um I used to do that a lot.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

No, I don't say um, I say uh. Uh uh. Um how did you wake me up this morning?

SPEAKER_02 1:30

With my nakedness?

SPEAKER_00 1:32

No.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

That sounds good though. Like me like tarsawing from the chandelier in our bedroom.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

That would have been so much better than what you actually did.

SPEAKER_02 1:42

Well, we don't even have a chandelier in our bedroom. Uh Miles and I were doing some um some yoga.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

Young athlete. He wants to be good at he wants to be an athlete. He is an athlete. And he he can't touch his toes. And he thinks yoga is for sissies, right? Yeah. This is actually a good story. Yeah, it is. And I'm like, bro, I bet you can't even do 20 minutes intermediate yoga with me right here, right? And so we start going, and he's having a rough time, and he's never done yoga before, and something got my eye. Because one, we're living in a dust storm of a house because our whole landscaping is going on. God knows what it was. I thought it was an eyelash, and I started attacking it. And then, like, after a couple minutes, when I couldn't do this, this, and this, and this, I was like, Miles, look at my fucking eye. You know, and so he's excited because he gets to stop doing yoga for a minute because I stopped doing yoga and we're like looking in my eye. I can't do anything. I'm throwing water in it, I'm doing this. I I spent 10-15 minutes on this ordeal before we got there. So I walked up and I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. My eye heard something I can't see, I'm going blind.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Something like that. It was like a little kid. He was so stressed out, he like couldn't breathe. He's like, Look, no, you can't.

SPEAKER_02 2:51

I look at still a mess. I look like I should be the one guy in Goonies, though. So I was like, okay. Chuck. Chuck! That's what I feel like. Did you watch Goonies? Yeah, yeah, no.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

I did, I just don't remember it that well. Uh so I was like, okay, you need to lay on the couch and take some deep breaths. I'm gonna go pick up some Starbucks to feed the kids because you're in no shape to cook. And then I'm gonna go get you some eye drops.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

I thought somebody like I poked a knife in my eye. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

I thought I was gonna have to take him to the ER, urgent care, but I was like, well.

SPEAKER_02 3:23

I was like, just cut it out. Just cut it out. You know, I don't have time for that.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

I was like, this is practice for becoming a mom one day when you're just like sleeping so peacefully, and then somebody wakes you up with a sudden health emergency.

SPEAKER_02 3:35

That's perfect. And that's why, you know what, that's why I did this. Is it like T you you want to be a mom? Well, let me show you what it's like to be a fucking mom. I have a fucking eye, can't see, help me, help me, and you're like, oh god. You were good though. You're a good little warrior.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

Yeah, I stayed calm.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

So I think that's probably what we should talk about today.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

I think so too.

SPEAKER_02 3:56

Eye injuries. Have you also had eye injuries?

SPEAKER_00 4:03

No, thank goodness. No eye injuries for me.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

You know, I have sensitive eyes.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

You have really sensitive eyes. You rub them all day long, even in the middle of intimate times.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

It just like, but I like it's it's uh it's not like I when I say sensitive eyes, it's like I can't I can't chew on ice. I can't even watch somebody chew on ice. Like we have walk in freezing. That's sensitive teeth. Yeah, no, so eyes, same thing. Like, like I could never ever put a contact lens in.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

But you don't think you have chronic dry eye? You don't think your eyes are dry, they just itch. This is what I don't understand.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

I mean, I may not be an emotional little sissy that cries a lot, but I do not have dry eyes.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

We're gonna stop talking about eye issues.

SPEAKER_02 4:43

Oh, I thought that's what the podcast was about.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

Yeah, it's such a nice transition and then we ruined it. So, back to my Substack, which uh Like when you're having sex and you itch your eye.

SPEAKER_02 4:55

Like that?

SPEAKER_00 4:55

What about that?

SPEAKER_02 4:56

You're like, you're like we're like in a mood, in a mood, and I'm like, eeky, eeky, eek, and you're like, what the fuck are you doing? Eeky keeky keeky, just my little eye just eeky geeky keeky.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Exactly. So I know how much he loved when I self-promoted my Substack last week.

SPEAKER_02 5:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

My most popular article that I've written on Substack so far is what nine months of trying to conceive actually feels like.

SPEAKER_02 5:22

You've been trying to conceive for nine months?

SPEAKER_00 5:24

It's been ten now.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

Ten months? Yeah. And you're still not pregnant? No, I'm not. You tell what is wrong with you?

SPEAKER_00 5:34

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

Actually, I think I mean you are a young, healthy, 35-year-old woman.

SPEAKER_00 5:41

I think it's my cedar.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Your cedar? Yeah. Is that in between your legs? Is that what a cedar is? What is a cedar? I don't understand. Must be a girl thing that the rest of the world doesn't know about. Please, Daniela, tell us about this cedar.

SPEAKER_00 5:57

It's in between your legs.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

I probably shouldn't have my legs crossed like this.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

No, you probably shouldn't. You probably shouldn't be going in the hot tub.

SPEAKER_02 6:03

You probably shouldn't be able to riding the horse for hours at a time. I was in the English saddle riding my amazing racehorse in an English saddle recently. That did hurt my balls a little bit. Uh yeah, so it's been The Cedar. I'm the Cedar.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Yeah, you're the Cedar.

SPEAKER_02 6:18

Like, are we fish in a stream and we just rub it against.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

Yeah, I love how like silly you are, but it's gonna be impossible to make any progress on this conversation if we don't go.

SPEAKER_02 6:25

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Cedar, I'm the cedar. You're blaming this all on me.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

At this point, I'm kind of I'm kind of getting there.

unknown 6:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:32

I've jerked off into cups multiple times now. Twice. Twice. I'm about to make you do it a third time. Yep. She's gonna check my DNA in my sperm. I said, it better be my DNA in the sperm. Otherwise, somebody's been fucking around.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Somebody can't focus today. Uh so yeah, I I Brian got his vasectomy reversed. Melarkey, I think. Mallarkey Mallarkey, which I never refer to him as, got his vasectomy reversed over a year ago.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

Uh-huh. We decided to wait a little bit after thinking this live wire was gonna just make a lot of babies real fast.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

Yeah, we're like, oh, we don't want that brand new, weird, funky semen out of there. So we're gonna wait some time before we start trying. And I I think I had gone to a Reiki session, she was like, You guys have a lot going on right now. If you're not ready to have a baby yet, definitely use protection. And we're like, okay, okay, we'll wait.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

I put two condoms on. Because I mean, I have three kids. Like, I know how to make a baby. I'm I've done it before.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

You have, but it's been 16 years.

SPEAKER_02 7:32

Ooh, 17. You know, they've not come when they come out, they're not one.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

Well, your kids are 15.

SPEAKER_02 7:37

I have 17-year-old. It's been 18 years.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

It's been 15 years since the 16 years since the successfully results.

SPEAKER_02 7:45

Can we try to focus right now?

SPEAKER_00 7:46

Yeah, can we try to focus, please?

SPEAKER_01 7:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

So I thought it was going to happen fast. We started trying in June. I was convinced I got this message from the universe that I was gonna get pregnant in July, my baby was gonna be born in April. I would have like a two-week-old baby right now.

SPEAKER_02 8:02

Holy Donkey Kong! Never thought of it like that before.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

But I don't.

SPEAKER_02 8:06

Oh, we don't.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

But we don't. And in a lot of ways, I am grateful that we don't. It's been a wild year that we've had. You had your near-death experience this year. Uh we went through a lot with the teenagers and they are doing great, but I think they really needed your full attention, kind of these past nine years. Business shutdown, business, created, business creation, which that's the TV show started, TV show ended. But that stuff's always going to be on in the background. I think the main thing is that I think your teenagers needed more of you than if you had had a newborn baby during this.

SPEAKER_02 8:40

Oh, 100%. Well, it would only be have been two weeks. Oh, true. So we'd be fine. Yeah, you just did the math. Oh. Yeah. So that's why the universe didn't want us to oh no, that didn't work.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Yeah, damn it.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

No, but I would have had a ten months you've been trying.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

I would have had a very stressful pregnancy. Yes. And I think that what this is what I wrote about is like not that many people talk about this in between time. I think people either talk about, you know, hey, we're pregnant, or, you know, after they're pregnant, they'll talk about, oh, we had a really hard time. It took us three years. But nobody's really sharing, you know, while they're in the process.

SPEAKER_02 9:18

And I do think I think it's like what's it called when when you're between heaven and hell?

SPEAKER_00 9:23

Purgatory.

SPEAKER_02 9:24

We're in purgatory. Yeah, it is purgatory. We're in baby purgatory right now.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Yeah. And it is, it's a it's both things. I'm like, there have been times I'm very relieved that I haven't had to worry about being pregnant or having a baby because I've had so many other things that are making me worried. And I want that time to be like stress-free. But then, you know, the first six months, you're kind of like, oh, you know, this is normal, that takes time, you know, the baby might want specific genetics, whatever. But after six months.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

We firmly believe that the baby wants specific genetics because we've talked to baby whisperers.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

A couple different ones who have all independently said.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

And said, Oh, the kid wants to have, wants to be tall, wants to be this, and and wants to be born on this date, wants to be this sign. So very picky unborn child right now.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

Very picky.

SPEAKER_02 10:09

We're using that, we're blatant, we're we're using that as our excuse. Like, oh, the reason is this. Yeah. Not because I'm shooting odd stuff or you're too stressed out, sort of things.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Uh well, I don't know. No, I I don't know what I'm saying. Substack it.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

Close your eyes and pretend you're writing. Substack this stuff. You're so good at substack.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

Just close your eyes and things. I saw you pledged $150 to my subsector. I'm your face. That was so nice of you. Um so yeah, this is the messy in-between. I would say the first six months, I mostly did not get upset. I was just like, oh, this is all part of the process. This is all part of just like the baby coming at its own timing. But I think after six months, for me, I started being like, okay, well, what the hell's going on? Like, I know I'm healthy, I know he's healthy, his CBN analysis looks good. I hadn't gotten any tests done at that point. So, like, starting in December, I got every test basically that you can get done. I've done all my hormones, my inflammation markers, I've done ultrasounds. I did my HSG where they shoot dye up your uterus and flopian tubes. Like, I was there. And everything doesn't just look okay. Like everything looks like optimal. Like, I have a lot of eggs, I have my progesterone is really good. And so it's kind of just like, well, what the fuck is why is this happening?

SPEAKER_02 11:30

And I think Well, then all fingers start pointing at the old guy sitting next to her. Well, I did learn something. I thought it was weird when we went to that one appointment. They're like, Oh my god, that's so cool that your dad came with you.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

That was really weird.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

Didn't happen, but that'd be funny if it did.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

Uh Brian did go with me to my HSG. What did you think of that? I don't know what the one, the only appointment you've gone with me to where we went to Macculo?

SPEAKER_02 11:54

Uh the nurse was really awesome and she was so cool and she gave me a big- Well, she gave me a lollipop. Uh yeah, I saw them shoot the die right up in there. I really understand how everything works inside you now. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Uh this is feeling a little disjointed, but it's No, it's good. So, anyway, so you're getting frustrated. So now I'm getting frustrated, but it was it was actually very nice to share that. Talking really loud. Sorry, I'm gonna make you guys deaf. This is me in our car yesterday listening to my podcast. I kept like turning the volume up, and then like my voice would come on. I'd have to like turn it down. So I'll I'll try not to deafen you guys. But I think sharing that post on Substack was nice because I did have a lot of women reach out to me and like, hey, this was me too. It took me a lot longer to get pregnant than I thought. Um, never and then there were some people like, oh yeah, I ended up having to do IVF and we never figured out what was what was wrong with me. I was like, that doesn't make me feel any better. Um, but there were so many people that were like, this was me too, but no, nobody that I know has shared that in-between process.

SPEAKER_02 12:56

So this is So you're being very vulnerable right here.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

I'm being vulnerable and I'm sharing like this is something that I really want to happen and it's not happening. And like, how how do I stay calm and also hold on to hope and also just share with people what's going on? So if you read my Substack, uh, I am like kind of a science nerd, I'm a nutritionist, uh, I've been obsessed with nutrition and health for you know the past 15 years, and so now I'm turning into a little bit of a scientist of like, okay, well, what else could be happening? And you think like, oh, my partner has a good semen analysis, like that's all that matters. But I did learn, I'm reading this book called The Preconception Revolution, that you can have a normal semen analysis, but the DNA and the semen can be fragmented, meaning that the sperm can't really fertilize an egg. And DNA fragmentation can happen because of age, because of lifestyle, weed smoking, too much hot tub use, all those things.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

I don't smoke weed and I rarely hot tub. I know, but I don't want the world to think I'm out here just in the hot tub rolling joints.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

I'm also wondering if your age maybe is fragmenting your sperm.

SPEAKER_02 14:07

Robert De Niro, Mick Jagger, these people are like 90 and they're knocking up their 20-year-old girlfriends. I know. I'm not going to be knocking up my 20-year-old girlfriend when I'm 90. Oh. I didn't mean to say that. Filter.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Yeah, it's confusing. It's confusing, but I'm like, you know, at the end of the day, I do have this feeling like it is going to work out how it's meant to. I'm like, maybe that message I got from my spirit baby that I was gonna get pregnant in July and they were gonna be born in April, I just was off by a year. You know, maybe it's April 2027 that this baby is going to be born, or there's things that we don't understand that are going on.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

But I do let's let's tell them how far. So she talking to her spirit baby and her her her people, her her spiritual guided people. Uh, she believes that she has to go to Costa Rica to have to get pregnant with this baby. So, what are we doing on Monday?

SPEAKER_00 15:04

We're going to Costa Rica. Uh, I think maybe baby just wanted me to go on vacation, you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

Her and this baby have a great relationship already. They're like, oh, let's just go. We I think we have to go to Costa Rica to get pregnant.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

So, no, what happened was I had a session with my Reiki person, which I will ask her if I can share her name on here because she is incredible, but she's also really hard to get into, so I don't really want to blow up her spot.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

That's like a good restaurant. You don't want everybody going to your good restaurant. Actually, you do. You want to support the chef.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

One of her specialties is spirit baby communication, which to a lot of you, you're rolling your eyes and your ears have shut off, but some of you might be intrigued. And I'm still here with you. So starting a while ago, my spirit babies used to be super active. Like they they said things like the girl, there's two of them, and the girl said, you know, I really want to be tall like my daddy. Like I'm waiting on the specific uh genetics that I want. And then another person said, This baby really has specific genetics that she wants. And then she also said, Just I want you to know, Danielle, that the egg chooses the sperm. That's very your spirit baby really wants you to know that the egg chooses the right sperm. It's not the other way around. So maybe they're letting me know it's okay if they're a little fragmented. We're gonna pick the best one. Anyway, she's become a little quiet lately. But about six months ago, uh, my Reiki person was like, uh, do you guys have any plans to go to Costa Rica anytime soon? I was like, no, we don't. And she's like, okay, she's like just kind of like hearing something that the baby might want to be conceived there. And I was like, okay, well, we have a lot going on, that's not gonna happen anytime soon. But six months later. Six months later. We got some time. Yeah, we got some time. I'm still not pregnant, and I ended up booking that HSG appointment, which was the die up your Flopian twos, which was the last test that I needed to do. And then I talked to Brian, I was like, can we book Costa Rica at this time? It's actually when I'm going to be ovulating. Megan said that thing about Costa Rica like six months ago. And right after I booked that appointment and booked our flights, I'm driving on the five, and this car pulls in front of me, and it has, we already know the name for this baby, and it has the baby's initials and pure vita on it. And I was like, that seems like kind of a sign.

SPEAKER_02 17:11

Yeah, you need to get that picture and post it on this right here.

SPEAKER_00 17:15

Well, oh, you know what?

SPEAKER_02 17:17

Yeah, okay. Don't can't do that.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

Uh, I can just cross out the project.

SPEAKER_02 17:21

I mean, if people aren't really into this stuff, they think you are fucking crazy right now.

SPEAKER_00 17:25

For sure. And I I take all this stuff with a grain of salt. I'm like, hey, maybe I'll get pregnant in Costa Rica. Worst case scenario, I'm gonna have a wonderful trip with my new fiance.

SPEAKER_02 17:34

Finance, yeah. Financier.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

And I don't know, this didn't go as I thought it was gonna go. Okay, how do you feel about it taking 10 months for us to get pregnant? Because you already have three children. Well, I do have some, I have some you have three children, and you don't need another child. You would be satisfied in life.

SPEAKER_02 17:57

Because I I get treated like a child sometimes. I hope that makes sense. My eyes, my eyes, rub my back, please. Uh I want this child to bring you this happiness, yeah, right? And I know it's going to be also very good for me because um I it's very rare that you get a second chance in life, right? And I got a second chance in love, and I got a second chance. Not saying that I want another chance raising children, but I do, right? Like I it's kind of crazy that when you get your partner pregnant and stuff like that, is typically at the height of your career, or like when you're working your hardest, right? When you raise these children. And I've kind of been thinking about it, like going, I I I'm still obviously striving for all of these things I want in life to accomplish in my work world, but I'm like also I'm like, oh my god, now I actually have financial security, I actually have more time to play with the kids. Before when I had my kids the first time, I was opening restaurants all around the country and traveling and doing TV and doing this, and I was gone. And I was gone, and when I get home, I'd certainly try to be as present as possible. But there's certainly, you know, I'm reading my daily dad now, like you gotta fucking focus on your kids when they're young. And so maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, old men will like this and stuff like that. Maybe, like, this whole like idea of us getting, you know, married, pregnant, early, early, build career, all that stuff, it's so much stress and stuff like that. Maybe the perfect situation is for older men to have worked and done their accomplishments, right? And then they find a young fertile bride about 18 years younger than they are.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

I thought you were gonna say 18 years old.

SPEAKER_02 19:42

And fertile bride, and uh I mean, because this is a kind of a great situation for us to be going into uh because we'll have I'll have more time for the children, I'll have more time for this, and you know, I I hope it brings healing to my uh older children and to be able to like we can all be better, we can all be better, we can like fix some of our stuff coming up. Um but also I want you, I just know you'll be such an amazing mom. I'm excited to watch you have this baby, watch us raise this baby, and I keep saying baby, and she keeps adding an S to the end of that, babies, and I'm like, I am older, you know. But I mean, if you're if you're locking it down for another 18 months, but 18 years, and that people say that it's like you're never locking it down for 18 years. Yeah, it's a lifestyle, it is, it's a it's a lifetime, it's a lifetime, it's a lifetime, and I'm already in the lifetime I've I've committed to other people other than myself, and so I'm 100% fine with that. Um, sex once a month when we have it, you're like, let's go. This is happening now, and I'm like, dang. And it's kind of fun because sometimes like, oh no, no cuddling and no foreplay.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

Like some of this stuff we sex once a month when we have it. We have sex much more than once a month. No, no, no. You're saying during the fertile window.

SPEAKER_02 21:01

During the fertile window, all the old normally there's foreplay and snuggling and romanticizing. That shit gets thrown out for that like four-day window. That's kind of cool. Yeah, I still do it.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

Depending on if we have time or not, if we don't have time for all of it.

SPEAKER_02 21:16

Sometimes it's just like, all right, we got five minutes here. Let's do this stuff. That's kind of fun. Okay, uh, it has changed sex for us a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

It has changed it because before trying to have a child, it was sex just for us. Yeah. It was really just for us. And it still really is for us, but there's a little twinge of going, oh I'm just, I'm just, I feel like a stallion, you know, just like uh like I won the Kentucky Derby and you're just like trying to, you know, just you know. So I mean it's I feel honored with that, but I also go, I really like when we're not I love sex when we're not trying to conceive.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

That's when I'm just like, oh, that's this sex is just us.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:59

Because sex Conceiving is you know with a goal in mind. Oh, with a goal in mind. So it certainly makes the two different categories of sex a little bit different. Yeah. I I like sex any any any way you're gonna get it. Yeah, yeah. With you, of course.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

Of course.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

After that message this morning. Oh, that was a good one. So um I'm I'm here. I'm here for the team.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

I enjoyed hearing your perspective on that. I think last week you mentioned talking about the Daily Dad, your favorite book, that like one of your highest goals in life is to be the best dad that you can be.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

And I think I fucked it up. And I and it was crazy is I I I can look back and I I fucked it. I I fucked it up because you know, certain situations we won't go into, but also there was the excessive drinking, excessive traveling, excessive this. But I mean I was a great fucking dad. I'm still a great fucking dad. And I'm still, you know, I'm still there for them and still trying to fix what I did wrong. It's fun to be able to say, in this life, like I'm 53 years old, let's see what happens if we try to have one and not fuck it up.

SPEAKER_01 23:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:10

Like to have that perception, those open eyes that you've like, I've I've done this before. I didn't do my best job. It's like, you know, certainly by no means am I abandoning my first children. I want them to be part of this and enjoy and celebrate this life and all of us just be this great family. But, you know, I'm sure we'll hear their commentary, like, oh, remember when you did this, or remember that I was like, well, let's make sure we're doing really good here, you know.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

I mean, I think it's always going to be when you're expanding a family in this way, like a little sticky. But I think that I think that it has been good that I haven't been pregnant and that it hasn't happened up until this point, because I think that there has been a lot of healing and difficult conversations and things that have gone on with your kids over this past year that's put us in the position where we're all closer as a family unit and that they wouldn't feel threatened in the same way by another child coming in. And you want them to I want them to be excited for the show. Yeah, and maybe they won't be excited while I'm pregnant, but you know, they're like maybe they won't be unhappy, probably. But I think when they see this baby that's you know part them, part their genetics, like I think it'll be something that will be really wonderful and also sticky because it's like, oh, they get a dad that's you know more present with them, they get a dad that's sober, they get a dad who, you know, is in a happy dad who was drinking sometimes was really fucking fun.

SPEAKER_02 24:39

Like, I mean, dad wasn't like a mean yell, yell, yell drunk. Dad would be like, let's go do some mischievous things. Let's know, I I know, I know drinking daddy. Jump into the pool. Let's like we I spent hours in the pool as drunk dad, and they love that drunk dad. Totally.

SPEAKER_00 24:56

But yeah, and I I do I think that it is like very there. I'm very much a spiritual person if you haven't been able to tell. And I think that your three children that you have chose this life and these dynamics that they had between you and their mom because that was what they needed to become the children, the adults that they're going to be. And they're all going to be very interesting, successful, fascinating humans with a very rich background. Craziness. And I hope that our child will be that way as well, but it will be very different. And I think that is like one of the differences. One in an age gap relationship where you're with an older man who's done work on himself, who's been through this before, and then I'm 35. I'm not the youngest person to be a mother. No spring chicken, let's just be honest. I mean, I think I'm still a spring chicken, but you know, other people might not. And I've spent the past 15 years working on myself, working on, you know, the wounds that I have, the things that I want to bring differently into motherhood. And so we are a little bit older going into motherhood. I really don't think that's why it's taking so long. I think it's other things.

SPEAKER_02 26:01

Maybe, maybe the baby.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

Maybe that's why it's taking so long.

SPEAKER_02 26:04

Maybe the baby's a traditionalist.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

Yeah, that's what I can tell you.

SPEAKER_02 26:06

Oh, you you gotta put a ring on that female.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

I don't want, I don't want my mommy to be a girlfriend.

SPEAKER_02 26:11

Hey, girlfriend.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

Uh but yeah, I mean, I am excited. Like, we're going into this with a lot of consciousness, a lot of awareness. Like, you know, when you had children and no knock on it. Like, I don't think anybody was doing this 15 years ago, but you certainly weren't communicating to the spirit, telling the spirit you were ready for it, like thinking about what kind of parent you wanted to be.

SPEAKER_02 26:32

Maybe you were, but and and something else is every time something, you know, traumatic happens with the kids or this or this or this, I point out to you, going, Oh my God, you're signing up for that. You're signing up for a lifetime of that. Like, oh, you love sleep more than just about anyone I know. Oh, that's not going to be available to you for a very long period of time. And it it's it's interesting to have somebody that has experienced all of it, right? And is still experiencing all new stuff all the time. Um, because young couples they they don't know what they're getting themselves into. And there's so many good things that I'm so excited to to, you know, as far as like you know, the social media, the computers, the tablets, this stuff. Like, we can't do that. We can't do that. So I'm really excited to see what we can do if we're patient, slow, thoughtful to raise this child with tools, a lot of tools, that most young couples having babies do not have.

SPEAKER_00 27:33

Yeah. I feel I feel very blessed and fortunate for that, and just even like that I have options and like, you know, how much I work and how much I get to spend time with the children. Like, you know, most couples that are 35 and most people are 35, like woman has to have a full-time job, the man has to have a full-time job, and that's just kind of like the way that it has to be to survive and to create a nice life for your child. And um yeah, I'm just I feel lucky that we kind of have all these.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

We have everything except the baby. Yeah, exactly. We're all ready except for the baby. Yeah, yeah. So stay tuned. Let's see um if Costa Rica works out. Um, yeah, very vulnerable situation for you specifically.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

Yeah, and I think there's like part of me too that I, you know, was really excited to share about this journey because I'm so passionate about health. I'm so passionate about like the things you do to like create a healthful body to bring a child into this world. And one, I didn't want to talk about this while we were sort of in the early stages of it because we are in sort of a complicated dynamic where I didn't want people, you know, who might be upset that we were trying to have a baby, like putting bad juju out there, adding more negativity into the space.

SPEAKER_02 28:51

Voodoo.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

But then when it started to take longer, too, I'm like, oh god, are people not gonna want to take my advice on how to prepare your body for pregnancy? Because I'm not fucking getting pregnant. Um, but I think that was like a good reason for me to open up and just like, hey, you know, I'm doing everything that I believe is right, and I'm kind of gonna share what's working for me, what's not working for me, and be honest in this process. And if we end up doing something like IUI, which I personally do not want to do, I will be honest about that too, and why and how we prepared for that. Um, but right now our next step is checking the DNA of Brian's sperm. It's definitely mine.

SPEAKER_02 29:27

It's definitely mine. And I thought it was odd that you did suggest that we should get um a sperm donor. I mean, I was like, and that you didn't want to go to the clinic, but you just wanna like go out to the bar one night? That was so weird, but inappropriate. Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_00 29:44

It was a moment of weakness that ended there. Just kidding.