Costa Rica Recap & Hanging with Our Inner Children

This week’s episode starts with a conversation about how to have more meaningful interactions with strangers… and then goes a little deeper.

We recap our Costa Rica trip and why we love the Pura Vida life so much. We also talk about discovering Danielle’s bossy inner child “Rosie” on this trip and how Brian’s near death experience still impacts our relationship today.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Disaster struck. It was the most pain I'd ever had in my just eyeballs.

SPEAKER_00 0:03

I thought my eyes were popping out of my head. I feel like it's my job to keep the people that I love alive.

SPEAKER_02 0:17

Welcome back to the Harley Mullarkey podcast. Uh this is Danielle Harley and my good friend Brian Mallarke. And the old dog. And the old dog Brian Mullarke. And I am the young Trixie fun one, Harley D. Harley D in the house. Woo! Let's go party at the beach.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Party at the beach.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

I'm trying to be more fun, actually. Are you? Yeah, I can be kind of like serious, and especially because I don't really like to drink that much anymore. Like, I don't I don't, I don't know, say ridiculous things to people like I used to. But then you don't really meet as many strangers if you're not good at like random small talk, and so I'm just trying to say more random weird shit to people that I don't know that well to put myself out there.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

I saw the king of this yesterday. We were at uh the local grocery store pavilions. Yeah. Not our favorite grocery store, but we're at Pavilions, uh, buying some stuff, and there is an old guy in the produce section that talked to everybody who goes, I love your hair. You know, he's a little bit like Hal. It's a little bit like Hal, her father, and just like had comments for everyone, was just brightening everybody's day. Oh my god, I love your hair. You should be a newscaster, is what he said to me. Oh wow. I'm like, yo, bro, no one's ever said that about my hair. Like I thought I thought he might say you should be in like an 80s like folk band or like a Yeah, no, I've never I've never thought newscaster. 90s ska band because you've got a little mohawk fro hocke faux hawk going on there, but not a newscaster. So I I really love that. So he was out there, he is making the world a better place.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

Yeah, I'm trying to do that. Even just like people I interact with on a daily basis, you know, you just kind of go through the normal script of what you say to them, but I'm trying to make it interesting.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

Well, in my Daily Dad, right, my most quoted book there is, uh, Daily Dad had one the other day that was don't ask your kids, like, don't be better than saying, How was school? How'd you do all that test? Uh, you know, you have a good day, blah blah blah. The small thought. Yeah. Be better than that. Start coming up with like ideas about what am I gonna find out about my kid, and not what am I gonna find out about my kid, what am I gonna challenge my kid with? And they suggested like things like hey, if you if you had money to give to charity, what charity would you give it to? You know, if you had money to give away. How how did you make how did you make this day special for somebody else? Not like what did you do? How are you doing? What did you do for someone else? I I did it. And I was like, hey, hey, you know, so and whole, I was like, Miles, like, what about you know, you did this. Sailor said, I let these two boys cheat off Max Max and Bryce gotta cheat off my test today.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

I was like, I don't know if we're supposed to put names on the internet of who's cheating here.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

No, they're not. No, I don't think that the teachers are definitely not listening to this podcast. They're far too busy looking over their hard curriculums they need to do in school. Uh, I don't know. It just rather than just coming up with just the the same old questions, come up with something that challenges them. And I I love it. And I I'm I'm working on it on the way to school now. I start thinking, what odd question can I ask them uh about life?

SPEAKER_00 3:17

I think that's great. I think you should have a few in your pocket. So when you're with strangers, you can like pull out one of those. But I think the other thing that's about like the man in the produce section, it forces you to be very present with the people you're around. If you want to strike up random conversations, you have to notice what's unique about them. You have to notice something specific that they say to you that you can build off of. And so I think it's a way to be more present and engaged in your daily life. And I'm the type of person that when I go out of the house, I often don't wear makeup, I don't really want to talk to anybody, I don't want to see anybody, I just like to get my shit done and put my head down.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

That's how you used to be.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

That's how I used to be, but I don't want to be that way. Like how like yesterday?

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Yeah, like yesterday was like that. We're changed, like look at it.

SPEAKER_00 3:59

Like I just have the now. I don't talk to anybody in my Pilates class, like I don't meet people anywhere. And I have friends, like my friend Elith, she moved here from Turkey, and I think you have to be that way when you move here from a foreign country. But we're friends because she came up to me at the bar and was like, I want to be friends with you. And I was like, Cool, I want to be friends with you too. Uh so if you want your life to change, or if you want to have more interesting people in your orbit, you gotta you have to be different.

SPEAKER_02 4:22

And I think we all do. We all do, even though you say you don't, you do want to have somebody. But what I find is the easiest way to meet people and say hello to people. And what I do professionally is I meet people. I walk up to tables at the restaurants all the time. And I I have that you know, a 30 seconds to two-minute conversation with every table in the restaurant when I when I have the opportunity. But it's easy in a restaurant because I'm just like, oh my god, isn't that just amazing? You're having fun, that's lovely. You're looking at but what I do is I go, oh my god, I love your hat. I love your jacket, oh my god, your shoes, oh look at that, your glasses, like anything. If you can compliment somebody immediately, it's just like they immediately are all yours.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

People compliment me a lot, not to brag right now. No, no, like not like hot ass, like hey, those kits, those tits are good, like like like construction workers on the road?

SPEAKER_00 5:08

No, no, just like women, like in Plaudius, they'll be like, oh, that's such a cute outfit, or like I love your shoes, and then I just like say thanks and I smile, and I don't know, and then I'm like, well, should I give them a compliment back? So I would like to know what's the best way to parlay a compliment into a real conversation, or you just add the compliment and then you talk to them.

SPEAKER_02 5:27

I think I, as being a professional complimenter, yeah, um, I find that they often will find something immediately that they want to compliment about you, right? And then you can just start small talking and you think, oh my god, what are you up to? How's your day going? You know, good, oh you live here, what's going on? You know, the general So return a compliment with a compliment. I think a compliment with a compliment is very nice. Yeah, I you know what's the hardest one to compliment a compliment with when you're walking your dog and somebody goes, That's a beautiful dog. What do you say there? Like, I'm like, I know, or you should get to know this bitch. That's kind of that's usually what I say. Yeah, wait, you don't know her. She looks good from the outside. Like when somebody compliments, you know, your baby, it's a reflection upon you. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

But when you compliment a dog Well, you picked out the dog. Thanks. I have a good picker, I have good taste.

SPEAKER_02 6:16

A picker? My pointer, my pointer is a picker. I got I picked a good picker, but anyway, yeah, you're like, yeah, she like I noticed she was beautiful also. Look at the dog's good look, it's a good-looking dog.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Yeah, no, people do tell me Scout's beautiful all the time, too. And I always, my response is, yeah, but she's fucking crazy. Fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

All right, what else we got? Oh, let's talk about uh what we did last night.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Last night we went to the opening of Baby Grand, a new 17 or 18 room hotel on Coronado, kind of across the street from Hotel Dell.

SPEAKER_02 6:47

Slightly.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

Uh, and it was gorgeous.

SPEAKER_02 6:50

Okay, so this is Consortium Group, right? And this is Baby Grand, it's their second hotel in their portfolio, the first one being the Lafayette. Yes. This is our Salon and uh Consortium. They've he's they they've been Ar Salon and I kind of came up together in San Diego. Uh he had a little restaurant called Neighborhood downtown in the gas lamp. We had the big seersucker down there. We had go eat burgers, Puffer and I went over there. He'd come over and check out our place and see what's going on. Uh, we're obviously, you know, we're we're starting in the same career. And to see where we've all gone, you know, like I did all the fabric restaurants, we had the urban woods, the animes, all of these things that we've drawn, it's amazing. But to watch what our salon has done, it's just like this other stratosphere. Yeah, right? Like our restaurants are beautiful, they're they're busy, they're great, they have great longevity, uh, people love them. Um, but our salon does something completely different and consortium. They they build these these meccas, living art pieces. Living art pieces, yeah. Uh, what does he have? He has um uh he has Ironside, he has Born and Raised, he has Morning Glory, he has a whole bunch of them up in the the parks, the north parks and south parks and stuff where they don't allow me up there. There's a no malarkey clause up there, I don't know what it is. Um, but all of these things, like the Lafayette and now um what's it called? Show pony? Uh baby grand. Baby Grand.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

Brian's had can't eat today, so we'll forgive him a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 8:15

Uh baby grand, but you if you have not, if you live in San Diego, you have got to go look at these. If you don't live in San Diego, you have to come visit, go visit these properties.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Layla, Starlight, um, yeah, they're stunning. I mean, just to one of the things we learned last night, we're like, wow, these booths are amazing. Like, how'd you make them? They're like, well, we had some of the builders from Disneyland in here.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

Because it looks like you're sitting in rock rocks uh that are formed into booths. And I'm like, and some of the other ones like Starlight and Layla have a lot of rock formations, but it's fun. You can go to his earlier restaurants and kind of see the style he was doing and where the the design has transformed and where it's at. And so the hottest one now is what's it called? Which one? What did we do last night?

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Uh oh, the new one? Yes, Nighthawk.

SPEAKER_02 9:02

No, the restaurant's called Nighthawk.

SPEAKER_00 9:04

Baby Grand.

SPEAKER_02 9:05

Baby Grand. Baby Grand, I mean, I love I love Ironside. I think it's the I think it's the best name restaurant, one of my favorite restaurants. Jason McLeod's back there as the chef. Uh, they opened it 10 years ago. Uh just fun, raw design and stuff like that. Uh, Baby Grand, out of a group that has, you know, born and raised and you know, morning glory, uh, Baby Grand, I'm like, well, I don't get the name. No.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

I was thinking it's probably like Baby Grand Piano, maybe. I don't know. They're they're like logo too as a fly, which I didn't personally understand. Like it's on the menu, and I like looked away to talk to somebody. I looked down at my menu and I was like, oh shit, there's a fly on my menu. And then I was like, oh, it's part of the design. But also thought that was a little odd.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

But it's just the the greenery and the fire and the and the details. Like you look at the smallest, the little skulls over here, and there's this over there. Every place you're looking like it's it's it's almost it's it's a work of art. What do they call it? Maximalist? Yeah, it's maximalist. Maximalist. It's it's art, it's art, and I can't wait to go back. Even the the suits the staff was wearing were like terry cloth. Were they not? What is it called? What are they all of it? Valore? No, what's the type of shirts that you're trying to get me to wear that all the young people? It's knitted suits.

SPEAKER_00 10:14

They always were not knitted.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

100% they were. That was knitwear. Knitwear suits. Crazy suits.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

No, they weren't.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

Oh, whatever. Anyway, so it was fun. Alicia Keys was there, Tony Hawk was there, everybody that all the cool restaurateur people, the cool food writers, Troy Johnson, San Diego magazine, you know, just so many people.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

I don't know if you can zoom in on this camera, but it's velvet or velore suits. I touched it.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

Yeah, it's not velvet. I know what velvet is. It was definitely not velvet. It's not knit. Uh it was so fun for us, and we took uh my the twins who are 15 now and they had a great time. Uh it was complimentary drinks. Obviously, the the teens didn't uh none of us drank, we just sucked. Uh but we had a lot of food. It was very Mediterranean. A lot of like hosses.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

Probably pretty similar menu to Layla and North Park, which is their Mediterranean spot.

SPEAKER_02 11:04

The hotel rooms were on God, they're just insane. The foods and drinks you can get in your hotel room were out of this world. The bathtubs, the wallpaper, the the light fixtures, the the ornaments, the the art. It's just crazy. Uh so please go check those places out. Go look at them and then come eat at our places.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Yeah, I was like, that was a really nice ad you just did for him, but don't forget.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

Yeah, he doesn't need an ad. He doesn't even need an ad. And Arson is just, he's he's walking art also.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

Yeah, he's a cool, he's a cool guy.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

It's very fun for us to have here in San Diego, somebody that's just so dedicated to their craft. And you know, like I know the guy that built the restaurant, and I know the guy that designed the kitchen, I know these people, it's just like, it's just what they're doing. San Diego is a a hotbed for greatness, you know. We saw uh Chef Travis Swikert there, uh Tar Chef Tara from Anime was there. There's so many cool people. Uh Victor Jimenez from Cowboy Star. I mean, like, I had so much fun running into so many people at this thing last night. So let's see. I just want to I just want to tell everybody about this amazing venue.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

Yeah, we're out on the town, and Brian's happy to be out on the town.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

Also out on the town.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

Uh but artists.

SPEAKER_02 12:12

One thing did come up last night that was very thing was I realized that I am not as fashionable as I would like to be. I gotta get to I don't know where to shop. I don't know where a man shops these days.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

Well, I would say don't approach it like you approach everything else and feel the need to do it all at once.

SPEAKER_02 12:29

I feel like you have to pick up art pieces as you go.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Yeah. Yeah. You just kind of look, you ask the universe to start putting some cooler, interesting pieces in your way, and you collect them.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

It's not like the old day where I can just go to Banana Republic or J. Crew and just get some really horrible clothes. Yeah. Yeah. We can't do that anymore. We have to have we have to have personal touches to our clothes. Um, and yeah, I'll I'm gonna do that. I'm doing it right now.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

Fashion ends up in uh World.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

Bring me just a couple pieces of really cool clothes, all right? I like my pant wear right now, I got good shoes, uh, but some sh my shirts are lacking. I don't know what to get for shirts. Please help me, universe. Good, good.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

Uh and then Arcelon asks Brian last night as we were leaving. He was like, he was like, How is the food? What sucked? And Brian's like, everything was amazing. You're amazing, this is amazing. I was like, you know, he didn't eat any of the food because he has a colonoscopy on Friday and he's just drop me right in front of him. I was like uh and so yeah, Brian is he's fasting. Yesterday he was allowed to eat a little bit of food. Today it's just chicken broth and lemonade. Um, but I think he's lemonade's got me up. Yeah, he's feeling a little wired right now. Yeah, yeah. Uh so uh I'm a little nervous for him to do it, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Uh he wanted to do a whole episode on the colonoscopy. We are gonna do a whole episode on the colonoscopy. You haven't even gotten the colonoscopy yet.

SPEAKER_02 13:48

How are we supposed to do a whole episode on invasive thing going it goes in my ass? I think so. We don't know. So anyway, yeah, this is my first one. I'm 53, and from what I've been hearing, I'm too I should have.

SPEAKER_00 14:03

Nobody told you that? I'm I'm it I'm an anal virgin.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

I'm an anal virgin. I have not lost my virginity and my buttocks, and tomorrow I will.

SPEAKER_00 14:11

I don't know if that statement's entirely true, but shut up.

SPEAKER_02 14:15

Why? Because you try to stick a finger up there once or twice.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

That doesn't that does not take your virginity away.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

But a camera does?

SPEAKER_02 14:23

As far as deep as it's going, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:26

Yeah. I would say that's invasive.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

So, what do we want to talk about? We just got back from Costa Rica and I want to do a little bit of a travel recap. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:36

Uh we did a dinner recap. No, we're doing uh uh our vacation recap. Yeah. Well, because you heard on the last podcast that we went down there to get pregnant.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Yeah, well, we don't have any news for you yet.

SPEAKER_02 14:47

But we had a lot of sex. Lots and lots of sex. Daily sex.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

I don't think they need to know that, but yeah, we gave ourselves a good shot.

SPEAKER_02 14:55

Well, they don't, they can't just think that the storks bring the babies.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

We gave ourselves a good shot. I ovulated while we were there. Wish us the best.

SPEAKER_02 15:02

Uh performances were spectacular.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

More information than I need anybody to know.

SPEAKER_02 15:07

If there was any like ghosts in the room, they had a show to see. I'll just tell you that.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

So we went there. One, I would I wanted to get pregnant, but two, I was like, can we go on this trip because your kids get out of school at the end of this month? You're building a new restaurant this summer. Like, this summer is gonna be crazy. This is kind of like the last week that I see that you and I can have time to ourselves to like just connect. And you're like, sure, let's let's book it.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

Let's go.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

And I didn't realize, I think, how badly we really needed this time to get away together until we were there.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

I didn't know until we got there that she actually didn't even like me anymore.

unknown 15:45

No.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

Uh it's kind of true. No.

SPEAKER_00 15:49

What? Nothing. That I didn't even like you anymore.

SPEAKER_02 15:52

I'm just kidding. We we we really we had we had a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

I learned that he didn't really like me anymore.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

We had we had had some built-up friction for just traveling, life, and doing that stuff.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

I don't even know that it was like friction, but I think I when like we travel so much. Like, I kind of thought we got our away time and our alone time, but I realized all the travel we do is like we're doing something for Brian's work. If we go to Bend, he you know, we spend quality time together, but he's very focused on being at his restaurant that he's not at very often. And he has a million ranch projects he needs to work on, supposedly. And we went to Miami, but he was there for a food and wine festival and he had multiple events. And you know, it was like when we finally got time to hang out the two of us, he's exhausted. Uh, and so we do a lot of things, but we don't really do things that don't have some sort of goal.

SPEAKER_02 16:45

We don't often do things where we don't have to do anything.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Yeah. Yeah. And just even like the first day we got there, just the way that like Brian was exhausted because we we had the most uncomfortable seats and we had a red eye. He got zero hours of sleep according to his aura ring on the night getting there.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

Aura ring.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Uh but zero. Even when we were just hanging out in the pool, like waiting for our Airbnb to be ready, like just the way he was like laughing and moving around, I was like, oh my gosh, he like is different. Like he doesn't have the weight of his world, the world on his shoulders right now. Like he's excited to be on vacation.

SPEAKER_02 17:18

Costa Rica's amazing. We spent a few days on the Guanaclast Peninsula. We did some swimming, a lot of sleeping. It's pretty amazing when you just lay around and you just like have sex and eat good food and enjoy life and you know, and go for walks and swims. It's so amazing. It's really reinvigorating. Then we went to the mountains and it was like spiritual and this, and it was just so beautiful at the other. We spent time up in the mountains in Costa Rica, up at Arnold. It's like a spiritual experience. And we got real spiritual one night.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

Yeah, I mean, it was very nice to be there. Uh, I love being in Costa Rica. I've been a bunch of times. We started on that Playa Flamingo Petrero side, which is like close to Tamarindo. We both decided we really never need to end up in Tamarindo again.

SPEAKER_02 18:01

Um I got offered cocaine like five times, and I was like, bro, just ask your friend across the road. You see, I didn't buy it over there. I'm not gonna buy it right here. Why would I buy it from you? You know?

SPEAKER_00 18:11

It's kind of like old school cabo, but like worse. I don't coca, coca, coca, you did go on this uh really nice sailing tour in the morning. Uh, and we went to this beach. It was probably the most beautiful beach I've ever been to in Costa Rica. Like white sand beach, crystal clear blue water, actually, really great snorkeling.

SPEAKER_02 18:31

And we were swimming back to the boat, and I why does everything turn out to like a little like not as much fun as I thought it was gonna be? Uh my story was better. We did this, the coast was beautiful, then we went to the mountains. We're gonna start. I thought we were gonna talk about our like our personal, our deep conversation we had and how our our listeners could actually use it to to maybe potentially better themselves or to explore that possibility.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

You didn't write the outline for the podcast. So uh so my point is we are swimming back to the boat to go have lunch, and I turn around and I don't see Brian anywhere. And I kind of panic for a second, I'm like, where the fuck did he go? And I see another snorkeler, I'm like, that's not him, and then I'm like, oh my god, there's all these sand dollars that I'm seeing.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

There's like three people on this whole beach. So I don't know what other snorkel was in our area.

SPEAKER_00 19:21

There was one other and it wasn't you. And I was like, that motherfucker dove down like 25 feet because he's trying to get one of those sand dollars. And I still look around, no Brian, no Brian, and then finally you pop up, and I'm like, okay, thank God he's alive. We swim back to the boat, and I was like, I knew you were gonna go down there to get one of those sand dollars. And he was like, Oh my god, what happened?

SPEAKER_02 19:43

Uh, are you asking me?

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Yeah, what happened?

SPEAKER_02 19:46

So, anyway, so there's these cool sand dollars, and I saw one down there, and it was so beautiful, and I was like, Oh, oh my god, that's so amazing. And I had been going down, but I've been suffering from a lot of sinus problems. I have a lot of allergies right now, and I had gone down and cleared my ears, and you know, I know what I'm doing, right? And so I swim around, and the people on the beach told us they'd seen a uh uh uh tiger shark, a bull shark, a bull shark a few days earlier, or the day or the day before. And Harley was like, as we were swimming by the boat, she goes, Where are you going? I'm going, I'm going, I'm looking for the shark. Like, I want to find the shark. And she's like, Uh, I think it's lunchtime, we have to go. And so I kind of do a slow roundabout hoping I might see the shark. And uh I see this, I see this beautiful sand dollar. And it's not like a sand dollar we get here in San Diego, but it's the one with the cool holes in it and stuff, and it was the biggest I've ever seen. And when you can see it big from way up here, you know it's really big. So I get my big breath, boo-boo, and I go down and I'm clearing, I'm clearing, and all of a sudden I'm having a hard time clearing that last one because my nasals congested and stuff like that. And I'm like, fuck it. And I'm like five feet from it, and I was like, I can go, I can go, and I just start screaming for it, and my head just goes, kick, kr, kr, and like I can't see. I'm like going, oh god, and it was the most pain I'd ever had in my just eyeballs. I thought my eyes were popping out of my head, and I'm like eight inches from it. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking explode my brain. I've gotta get the sand on, and I had to abort and leave up. And I I went up like five feet and I just sat there for a minute, going, oh my god, are you okay? Like everything intact. And then I came up, I was like, Whoo!

SPEAKER_00 21:19

And I immediately knew something was wrong. He got back to the boat and he was a little out of it, and I was like, What happened? He's like, Oh my god, my face almost exploded down there.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

I'm like putting pressure on my like here, like, oh my god, I can't, I can't see.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

And so it really brought back my PTSD because if you remember, the last time we went on vacation together, we went to Italy.

SPEAKER_02 21:39

A vacation vacation, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Yeah, a vacation vacation. We went to Italy and we had the we went on a boat, we had the greatest time ever, and we were like, we're so carefree, we're so happy. Just how we were feeling on this trip. And then disaster struck. You know, it didn't end up being disaster, everything is fine, but in my nervous isn't disaster. In my nervous system, it is disaster, and so I I'm just like, oh my God, is this gonna happen again? Is my beautiful trip going to be ruined by something scary? Am I gonna be in a fucking Costa Rican hospital because my boyfriend exploded some fucking vein in his head? And so I asked him like probably eight times, and like, are you okay? Are you sure you're okay? Like he had a headache and the headache wasn't going away, and he was giving a little out.

SPEAKER_02 22:21

No, what I kept saying was like, I'm okay. I'm okay. I did. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, you gotta stop worrying about I'm okay. I'll let you know if it develops. I have a headache, but it will go away, right?

SPEAKER_00 22:32

And but this guy, this is a guy who you know has had a history. We he we found out his gut's a little off, and he's like, Oh yeah, I ask him all the time. I was like, How's your gut feel? And he's like, Oh, it feels great, it's amazing, it's perfect. Then he found out his gut's off. He's like, Yeah, I've had major gut issues for like three or three or six months. And I'm like, Okay, you've been telling me. But I ask him every day. And then also we found out he had like some inflammation potentially in his balls. In his balls. From the vasectomy reversal, and I've I asked him a million times, how do your balls feel amazing? How do your balls feel? They feel amazing. They feel amazing.

SPEAKER_02 23:06

They feel better if they're in your hands.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

And then we got this test done, and I was like, just so you know, this shows that you have some inflammation. He's like, Oh, I've been getting a pain in my balls for nine months. And I'm like, nine months?

SPEAKER_02 23:18

And so it just Because when you get a vasectomy, your balls hurt for about six to nine months. So I was like, Oh, the untie must also hurt for six to nine months. But it's not supposed to, because I don't want to worry you, so I'm a I'm an old, I'm an old dog. And so I'm just like, no, everything's okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

I'm just fine. Yeah, so based on some of these pieces of information and other things, I don't fully trust him when he says, I'm okay, I'm just fine. I'm like, oh, well, you're fucking lying to me, or you just don't even know what okay is.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

So, yes, I did have a bit of a headache for the that day. And when I went to bed that night, I kind of looked up and I looked at her and I said, Oh, this is my last night of sleep. I I I've had a good run, right? And so I woke up the next morning and fuck here I am. Thank God. Um this brought up a lot, so this should just be the basis of this podcast, I think. We can't go to the next part. We have to just finish this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

Okay, I love that. What was the next part?

SPEAKER_02 24:12

Our inner child.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Well, no, this leads to that basically. Oh, I guess it does.

SPEAKER_02 24:16

Yeah, okay. I see the path she's walking on now.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

So Brian was very he got really angry. Then when we're driving home, and I'm like, okay, it seems like he's gonna live. He was all like sullen and angry, and I'm like, Are you mad at me? And he's like, I'm just kind of in a bad mood. He was like, I just get pissed off when you're like asking me if I'm okay a million times. It's annoying and it pisses me off. And I'm like, okay, well, I understand that, and I can see that that's annoying, but I'm not doing it to piss you off. I'm doing it because I think I'm still a little traumatized. Like, I'm I'm really scared of something happening to you again, and I don't want to be this way. But it would help me if you could kind of calmly comfort me instead of just getting mad at me in these situations. He's like, Oh, okay, sure, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 24:59

But what I realized is then I kept asking, I was like, why early in our relationship did you never fucking ask me if I was okay? And like I didn't really realize that. And she kind of was like, Well, I figured you're like 50 years old, you made it this far. I thought you were kind of like battle-worn and tough, like bulletproof, like when I got drunk and crashed my e-bike, I kid and all those things. And and then I didn't remember this one. You just came up the other day. Uh, she's like, Oh, that was the day that you wrecked your e-bike with a dog. And I was like, Fuck yeah, I forgot about that. Like, scout broke scout ripped me off my e-bike when she saw like a squirrel run across the road, and I just ate shit. I hit so fucking hard, and I was sober at that point.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Yeah, you broke a rib for sure. Oh gosh, and you said you hit your head.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

And and what was amazing about those was like she never fucking asked if I was okay. I was like, no, you don't understand, I'm I almost fucking died. She's like, okay, like not scared at all, but it was the near death in Italy that triggered a bunch of stuff in her, and now if I snivel wrong, she's like, What's wrong? Are you okay? Like, she's she since that six, seven months now, yeah, she's been very scared about everything, and it's gotten really fucking annoying.

SPEAKER_00 26:04

Yeah, no, I mean it drives me fucking crazy too. Like, I don't want to be this way, but I've been this way.

SPEAKER_02 26:09

I want to go back to like the battle ward 50-year-old, like, who can fall on his fucking head, and you're like, Yeah, okay, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 26:16

It was really nice. It was like very comforting for me to be like, oh, this guy is he's in he's fully formed, like he's got this. It was nice, and I want to get back to that place, and I think that I can. But I was explaining to him, I was like, this was like what happened in Italy was very traumatic for me. And like, I don't want to, I don't know, people throw around the word trauma, but it was something that stuck in me as a trauma. And I, this is a familiar, well-worn pathway in my brain. Like I was telling Brian when I was like seven years old, my parents took me to therapy because I had gotten this new dog that I was so madly in love with, and for whatever reason, I was so terrified that he was gonna run away and get hit by a car. And I'd like yell at my dad if he ever left the front door open. I'd scream at my dad if he left the garage door open. Like anything that was gonna hurt this dog, I was just like losing my mind over. So as a seven-year-old kid, I walked around holding my like 25-pound dog just for like six hours a day. And I was just like kind of reflecting on like, why do I have this like such a strong fear of loss uh for like the people and things that I really care about? And so I was it kind of came up in Costa Rica where I reflected back on all these moments of like this time when my dad like passed out and I gave him CPR and he's clearly alive and like snoring and breathing, and my mom's on the phone with 911 being like, My husband's dead, my husband's dead. How old were you? I was like probably 10 or 11 in that one. Or that I just thought of this other time, like my we had those one of those pulley things in the backyard that you want to get for the lake. Yeah, and I pulled my brother up to the top of it, and when he was at the top, he like slipped off and let go and he fell on his chin and he knocked himself out. And my mom called 911. She's like, My daughter killed my son. My daughter killed my son. I don't know if she said that on the phone. She might have just said, My son is dead, but then she was like, You did it, you did it, you tickled his feet. And I was like, I didn't tickle his feet, I just pulled him to the top. Anyways, not to trauma dumb button all of you, but all of these experiences where I was scared already. I never had an adult come, or I never had my mom come to me and be like, it's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay. It was like if I was worried about her, like, are you gonna die, mom? She'd be like, I don't know, I don't know. And so anytime I was scared, I had somebody make me even more scared. And that's the best explanation I can come up with for now why I'm still so crazy about all of this stuff.

SPEAKER_02 28:36

Your mom threw gas on the fire. Yes. Anytime a little something happened, major drama happened, and typically she would blame you for it.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:45

And that's really tough.

SPEAKER_00 28:47

So I and I think in some in some way, thank you. I feel like it is my responsibility. Like I and I think there were other things. Like I wrote a Substack about my mom lately, so you can hear all about my relationship with her. But I have this like plug-in. Yeah, it's a Brian said it was a great post. Yeah, okay. He sent it to a bunch of people. Uh but I because of a lot of things I've gone through, I have this hyper responsibility that I feel for other people. Like, I feel like it's my job to keep the people that I love alive.

SPEAKER_02 29:18

And previous relationship for mine.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

Yeah, my previous relationship before Brian, uh, my partner had like some childhood trauma and therefore addiction issues, and I did have to keep him safe at times. And so it's just this well-worn pattern of hyper-responsibility that got triggered by Brian's thing.

SPEAKER_02 29:35

Yes, so I I can see how that childhood trauma, drama, trauma, uh, would affect you. So when she that was triggered again, uh it was a lot in your previous relationship, but then when you found this battle-weary 50-year-old who was fully formed, as you said, you were like, God damn, I got a fucking man, like a cowboy. Like this motherfucker's tough as nails. Like he falls off his bike all the fucking time, and he's still doing good, you know? And uh, he ain't broke nothing yet. Uh, he gets up every morning, so you're like, God damn, I got a good man. And then, unfortunately, uh, my body gave out on me in Italy, and that triggered you to uh be scared of losing me as an old, crippled, weak man, which is what I feel like every time. You're like, Are you okay? Does that feel are you telling the truth? Tell me the truth. Look at me, you know. I'm like, I feel like a like a little weak old man who's like frail and this, and I'm like, shut the fuck up. I'm like a tough, mean so bitch. Yeah, I am that cowboy, and I I'm I'm back in shape and I'm feeling good and stuff like that. And so when I almost blow my brains out accidentally for going too deep without clearing my nasal cavity, I can handle it. I can fucking handle it. Uh because I was raised completely opposite of you. Rather than, oh, somebody might die, something's gonna be scary, somebody's emergency happens. In my upbringing, like, no big deal. Nothing was a big deal. Oh, whatever, get up, you're fine.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

Brian got like kicked in the head by a horse.

SPEAKER_02 31:07

They they recorded it and made fun of it.

SPEAKER_00 31:08

He lost his memory for like two weeks.

SPEAKER_02 31:11

Two days. Okay, and uh yeah, they found me on the front yard with like a severe brain injury, and they made videos of me and told me lies. And Brian, you're in the first grade. Brian, so and so's not your girlfriend, so-and-so, and like they're just like just like telling me lies until they got to the hospital laughing, and then they strapped me in, they pulled my head down. They're like, This guy has major brain damage or brain trauma, and they took me in an ambulance across the road to the real hospital. Uh, so that's the kind of shit. Like, we got bucked off horse. Get back on. Like, there was there was no heartache there. Yeah, we were we were cowboy, you know, ready to roll. So I had the opposite of that. So, what we learned from that is that Danielle should not ask me if I'm okay anymore. Is that right?

SPEAKER_00 31:57

No, but I think we did. I explained to Brian because he gets mad at me, and I was like, I just I'm working on this. Like, I need you to understand, I really do not want to be this way. And something that Brian said to me is, and I said, like, I don't want to be I if I'm this way with you, like I can only imagine how I would be with my baby, like you know, and I don't want to be this way with my baby. I I don't want to be waking up 20 times in the middle of the night to check if my baby's still breathing. And I wake up in the middle of the night to check that this baby is still breathing. So, like, I my brain is a little messed up right now. So I'm like, I really do want to work on this. And he's like, you have to work on this, you know, before you have a baby. You don't want to instill panic in your future baby. And that was like, I'm sure I've thought of this, but just like hearing him say it that way, I was like, God, no, I don't. I don't want my baby to think that the world is a scary place and that disaster is around every corner, which is when I get stuck in these loops, like that's how I feel is like that the world is a scary place and there's disaster around each corner, and it's my job to like keep the people I love safe. And it's fucking exhausting. But I think what was helpful about that, one is like just okay, I have a lot of awareness around this, and it's something that's important for me to work on. But two is that I think Brian was able to really soften to it while we're on our trip. And like, I was like, Can you see that this is not me trying to be controlling? This is like a really scared little girl inside of me that just wants everything to be okay. And can you treat that with a little bit more kindness and softness? And I think he was able to see that and was able to be like realize how much he really loves me. That's what you said.

SPEAKER_02 33:38

I did. I did.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

I didn't even say that part.

SPEAKER_02 33:41

I so I just told her I really loved her. No, it's just I I was taking it all at face value, going, just fucking relax, leave me alone. But then when she told me of the childhood experiences she had had around this and how almost watching me die in front of her really triggered all of that. I of course was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. Uh it makes sense to me now. Um something so yes, we that brought us really close together and realize and then we realized that we actually have to help each other solve. Oh my god, this is funny. We have to help each other solve our childhood wounds because in one of our earlier episodes we referred to little Joe, my scared little boy who was always scared of getting left or scared that you know it wasn't enough for mom, just scared for so many things. Uh my little child is little Joe from Bonanza, which is even old for me. So most of you do not know what I'm talking about. But we did we just we came and learned that Danielle also has um uh a probably a lot of little children inside of her, but one of them is called Rosie. Little Rosie. Is it little Rosie?

SPEAKER_00 34:44

Yeah, it was Rosie, which this came from when I like think about this memory, I'm just like, this is so wild. But when I was in like probably first and second grade, I think it lasted for more than one year, I had these two best friends, and every day at recess, we played this game called Rosie. And what Rosie was is that I was Rosie, and my two friends, Jessica and Jennifer, the whole game was me bossing them around all of Recess and telling them what to do. So that I was like really tiny and they were both really tall. Like one of them is like six one or six two now, and so that was my justification why I bossed them around. But I'd be like, carry me here, take me to the slide, take me over here, do this. And that was our whole game was Rosie telling them what to do. And one of the girls' moms called and said, Hey, we think Rosie's like a really great game, but we think that everybody should have to take turns being Rosie. Like Danielle doesn't just get to be Rosie every day. And as soon as that that was brought into the picture, the game fell apart, and we never put it right.

SPEAKER_02 35:44

Because Rosie said, I can't be Rosie, there is no fucking game. So sometimes uh Danielle in her worrying, being worried, gets bossy, like gets like very controlling. And she tells me the story, and I'm like, holy fuck, that's Lil Rosie. You're gonna you're you're giving me little Rosie shit right now. And and not only are you making me feel like you're scared that I might die, now you're like my boss, and you like boss me around and tell me what to do. And like when we're driving, she's like I was like, easy Rosie. And and Roseanne Barr, I mean, I think that was a cartoon of called like Little Rosie, with Roseanne Barr playing Rosie herself. And so now I get to make fun of her when she starts kind of getting a little fired up and getting a little too pushy and bossy. I'm like, easy little Rosie. So if you can find, and then it makes us laugh, and we're immediately in a much better place. So if you can find and identify your inner child, your inner children, and utilize that because when I'm really pissed off, she'll be like, yo, is little Joe kind of running the show right now? And I'm like, fuck you, little Joe doesn't run the show. And then I'm like, Yeah, he is. Yeah, little Joe's gotta Lil Joe's telling you to fuck off right now. And she's when she gets bossy, which happens when she's scared, then we're like, yo, little Rosie, ring ring, it's one of the parents right here, and let's take turns being the bossy one. How about I gonna be the boss today? So it's kind of fun, and that's a great way to kind of defuse situations. Yeah, it is. Talk to the nicknames of the little children that are the ones that get scared, happy, uh, not happy, the ones that get scared, the ones that get angry, they get flustered. Those are all things that are coming up for you that most of the time the other person did not do to you. It's just something that they said that is a reflection of something that happened to you in the past.

SPEAKER_00 37:33

Yeah, which is you're getting so good, which is an internal family systems thing. And it the reason why the humor and the naming them works is because when people get super worked up and like I'm super in my like fearful place or Brian's super in his angry place, like according to IFS, it means we've like blended with our parts, we become part of them. But if you're able to call it out and be like, hey, is that little Joe? Then then your big capital S self is able to be like, Oh yeah, this isn't me. I'm not this little angry man. Like, I can look at that part of me and separate myself.

SPEAKER_02 38:05

A little angry man. Why can't he be a big tall, tough?

SPEAKER_00 38:07

His name's Little Joe, you named him.

SPEAKER_02 38:08

Oh, that's true. He is little man, but little Joe on the show.

SPEAKER_00 38:12

You're creating some distance from your emotions. Um, and it really works. So, yeah, we had a lovely trip to Costa Rica.

SPEAKER_02 38:20

We had a great trip to Costa Rica. Hopefully, we made a baby. We came back more in love than ever.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:25

Right? Uh, right? Right? Rosie, Rosie, Rosie. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Uh, and so yeah, those were just a lot of fun, good thoughts and things to throw out there.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:37

Thank you for tuning in to the Harley Mallarkey Podcast, where we share some fun stories and we give a little bit of advice that we think might just make your life more fun, more fulfilled.

SPEAKER_00 38:46

Yeah, we share our own perspective and hopes that it'll cause you to look within.

SPEAKER_02 38:51

Cause you to look within. So please like, subscribe, tell a friend, join the adventure that is the Harley Mullarky podcast.